My Story: deceived by belief

*Just to give some context, this blog - 'deceived by belief' primarily describes an unexpected and significant change in my life.. The change impacting both my life and my way of living. This is in no way meant to offend or criticise anyone or any religious group; rather to share my experience.

For as long as I remember, I was raised in a very strict religious environment that led me to hold very strong entrenched beliefs, that continued into adulthood. Due to my upbringing, I took my faith seriously. So much so, I often asked god before making a decision, doing nothing whilst waiting for the answer. My mind constantly was trying to work out, what god wanted me to do, and this greatly affected my mental health. The thought of making the wrong decision, felt equal to the burden of living under a suffocating cloud.

I believed, if I prayed and believed enough, god would provide everything, from a husband to a good job. I could only date fellow believers, resulting in a very small number of potential prospects. I loved parties, clubs, gigs and festivals, yet during this time, I would shy away from any non believer who talked to me, believing they had an ulterior motive.

I attended church weekly, sometimes twice (which was often a struggle after a late night out). I also attended and often led a small group in the week, to study religious text and to pray for each other. This continued for many years and it was extremely apparent to those who knew me. I did however, question aspects of my faith during this time, but quashed them, thinking they were unhealthy thoughts and not of god.

Change started when I reached midlife. I began to painfully acknowledge that the promises I had believed and expected, hadn’t come to pass. I felt disappointed, sad and confused. Many others around me felt the same. I couldn't understand how my current situation did not align to the beliefs, that I had held for years. I then started to attend less meetings, which felt uncomfortable as this had always been discouraged (the start of a believer 'backsliding'), I now believe this is partly due to the fear of the 'believer' thinking for themselves.

During this time, my questioning developed from my thoughts to my beliefs, on a variety of subjects. I started reading a lot of books and watched documentaries, aligning to my newfound thoughts (confirmation bias works both ways!). I realised that the beliefs I once had for so many years, didn’t make sense anymore. I began having major anxiety that I was losing my faith. I couldn't understand how I had arrived at this place, when I had believed and sacrificed so much for so many years. I kept trying to push the feeling down, but it kept popping back up.

*I also studied the correlation between belief and confirmation bias, recognising that we all look for references that either support or deny our belief, deepening the belief even more. I often question, if anyone of us have a neutral stance? Do we only believe in something due to our upbringing, the people around us etc? A subject to be discussed another time!

I vividly remember one night, the anxiety had transformed into crippling fear. I sat on my floor, crying to the god I had believed in for so long, asking for some kind of sign. Nothing came. I was distraught. Whilst crippled with fear, I questioned why I was so fearful. I remember thinking 'there are thousands of people in the world who do not believe in a god and they seem to roam around the world not worried about it. So why am I so bothered?'

*There are many implications that are associated with losing a faith which include social pressures and expectations of those around, starting again etc, which I will go through later in this article.

So, I started to dig deeper and the realisation came that the fear was - going to hell when I died, for not believing. This was my lightbulb moment. Yet, I thought I believed in a loving gracious god. If 'love was to cast out all fear', then this to me was contradictory.

It all started to make sense. When I was 7 years old, my family and I attended a religious holiday. Every child attended an age appropriate 'Sunday School' daily. On one occasion, my class was shown the film ‘The Thief in the Night’ For those who do not know of the film, it describes people waking up in the morning, to missing loved ones, kettles still boiling, hairdryers still on, you can imagine the scene. The ones who were missing had gone to heaven and the rest were left behind. If those left behind didn’t have the mark 666 on them, they were not able to purchase anything. The fear of being left behind, was palpable. I converted immediately (as I imagine any sane 7-year-old would). I repeated my 'conversion', several more times over my young life, guaranteeing I had ‘prayed the prayer’ correctly, securing my pass to heaven.

*On a side note, I have since researched this film as an adult, and found it has a '15' rating in the 'Horror' category.

I now understood why I had been gripped with fear. I was completely unaware that I had carried this fear throughout my life, influencing the decisions I had or had not made.

After this revelation, I began looking at my faith and belief in more detail from a more objective view. I struggled to align the teachings I had believed in, to something of a loving god. This led me to think, that even if this god was true, it wasn’t a god I wanted to serve or follow.

I started to lose focus on the belief of the god and was drawn to the values. If I was ever going to believe another god, the values would need to resonate with me. This process was enlightening.

After this time, I went through a difficult process of rethinking everything. Every thought that came into my mind, I questioned and decided whether I still believed it. Many of which I had no idea. The realisation of how powerful belief was, was mind blowing. To then decide on what I now believed was difficult. The mind was not totally in sync with the heart and to readjust took time. Some beliefs I now hold lightly, with the notion that it may only be what I believe on that day. Knowing it's ok to change. Belief can be the compass we use to make decisions, not only in religion, but in many areas we take from childhood into our adult lives. It is for so many, stronger than truth itself.

During this time, as well as coaching, I had counselling to help navigate the emotional aspect of the ‘coming out’ of religion, which allowed me space to articulate my thoughts and feelings associated with anger, disappointment, sadness and confusion.

I also knew, to be authentic, I needed to tell friends and family, that I had 'come out' of religion and no longer believed. This was extremely difficult and the responses were varied. I quickly learned I didn't need to justify my actions.

Within this process, I also evaluated my identity, which for many years had been heavily entwined with religion. My personality was the same, yet I felt my internal compass had been removed. This process involved creating my own compass which had its own difficulties and has taken time, yet is very liberating.

On re-evaluating my values and morals, I became acutely aware that many still held true. A recognition that religion does not have the monopoly on good values and morals. Yet ironically for some religious people who I knew, the opposite was the case and never did align to the religion that I had once believed!

Another aspect of my evaluation included my opinions. When I was young, I was quite black and white, yet had over the years grown to become more grey, and this did align to my hair colour! This happened before I lost my faith, which was part of the reason for the decline.

*I have since apologised to those I felt I had been over exuberant in my previous opinions. I recognise that we can all still change and acknowledge our past failings and hurts, especially to others.

Processing disappointment of what had or had not happened and the decisions I had made was painful. This led to a feeling of ‘wasting many years’. However, I did appreciate that I had time to design my own future life. I remember previously, during my study of NLP, being asked to imagine my future and finding it very difficult. It felt selfish and not of god.

*Having processed this, I now feel free to do this for myself and am passionate for others to have the confidence to do the same.

I also needed to acknowledge and let go of the anger for my past, including a sense of feeling manipulated, This isn't to say that the leaders were in anyway doing this maliciously, but looking back that is how I felt.

Facing and letting go of fear, not only in this religious context, but in other areas of my life, have been profound. The book 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers' significantly helped within this process. I have made difficult decisions, some of which have been received negatively from others, for crippling fears, that I have faced and are now free from. I continue to use this process, when required.

Another aspect of my healing journey has been taking responsibility for my own past, current and future actions, including independent thoughts and decisions. This is a continual work in progress, yet liberating. When we recognise our own actions in the choices we have made, it is easier to move on.

I am sure there are other areas of my life that I have processed and changed, but these are the ones that initially come to mind. I would however want to point out, that I am very aware this is not everyone’s experience and as I said at the beginning, I am not writing this to in anyway, criticise anyone, it is my way of telling my story and my own experience.

So what have I learnt?

Belief, whether positive or negative is extremely powerful. We all have a variety of beliefs we carry with us, some of which serve us and others most certainly do not. A lot of the time we are not even aware of what they are and the power they have to support or obstruct our decisions. However, what I do know, is the freedom that can happen when we change the ones that have obstructed us for years.

How have I changed?

I am more confident in who I am. My identity is in myself and not an external belief system. I think for myself and make my own decisions. I feel extremely liberated in my thinking and my behaviours. My internal motivation to do anything is different Externally, others may not see any differences, but internally I feel a free woman. I now believe that the world is my oyster and I can do anything, without needing confirmation that its ok.

I still hold on to my good values and morals, which is not based on religious beliefs, even if they still align to a lot of them. Carrying out my life without the backdrop of doing things to get me to heaven, is beyond breath-taking.

Having been through this transformation to freedom has been painful. However, during the bad times, the notion of being authentic and true, held me through.

Today I am free from the burden and restraint I felt in the religious environment I knew. I am delighted that I live my life, free of fear and free of the fear of death. This freedom I have, outweighs all the pain and heartache of the process. The reward has been worth the effort and like many things in life, when we start a process we never know where it will take us and what it will look like. We can only know, when we look back and see where we have come from and the journey it has taken.

What has helped me through this time has been; supportive good friends, some family members (although I didn't know at the time which ones they would be), NLP, coaching, counselling, books (including 'Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, PHD'), documentaries, music, time, space, kindness, understanding, non judgment and fun.

So, if any one of you who are reading this, resonate with some aspect of my journey and want to make some change, I implore you to do so. Freedom is worth everything.

I would love to help and support any one of you, who feel convicted to explore your own specific situation, however small or big. Now is the time to face those fears and take control of your own life. As hard as it may seem now, if I can make these changes and be free, I am convinced that you can too. Believe in yourself.

Thanks for reading

JennyB

www.jennybcoachinglounge.com